my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
