I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
But break dance skills will only take you so far
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
