She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
