I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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