Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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