things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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