I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
