You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
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