Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
