So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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