If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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