I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
