you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
