I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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