I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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