GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
