thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
