my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
