Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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