I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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