i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
