Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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