I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Randomize
