he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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