and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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