did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
