he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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