I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
