I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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