Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
