tonight lets celebrate not being married
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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