Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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