Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
