nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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