It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
