your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
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Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
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I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just wanna be euthanized