There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared