I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?