I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
