Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
