is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
