I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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