you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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