Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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