....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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