I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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