Can i not drive my cunt home
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
