We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
