I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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