On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
