On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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