I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
