mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
