please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
