I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
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