To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
