I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
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While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
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They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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