It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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