i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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