she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
