he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
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After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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