Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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