turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
